Bear Hunting (back to the top)
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex. "Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex. "Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally,in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler, Jesus."
One day, Billy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?" asked Billy Joe.
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Billy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want', .....So, I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you".
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot."
When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he had ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts!
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed", she said.
He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy!" said the girl.
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!"
Jeff had been out drinking all night and decided to stop off at the Hiway Diner for breakfast before going home.
As he sat down at the counter next to a burly biker he noticed the waiter was not around and the place was quite a mess, with food on the counter, and dirty plates everywhere. But Jeff was undeterred and hungry. He noticed there was a big bowl of chili by the biker. And after a short while, asked, "Are you going to eat that?"
To which the biker said, "Naw, help yourself."
At this Jeff ravenously dived into the chili. And commented, "A little bit too much Tobasco, but good!" And continued until he hit the bottom, whereupon he found a dead field mouse. The sight of this nauseated Jeff and he immediately hurled all of the Chili back into the bowl.
At this, the biker commented, "Yup. That's the same thing the two guys before you did."
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr.Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So, she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the funeral."
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos).
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up and set off all the other bells.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his backyard tree. He gets his phone book to look up a gorilla removal service in the yellow pages. The gorilla service guy says he can help him out but he needs to know if its a male or female gorilla. The man runs outside, checks it out and tells the service guy its a male gorilla. The service guy says, "OK, I'll be right over."
A short time later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will attack the gorilla's testicles. The gorilla will then reach for his testicles to protect himself and that's when you snap the handcuffs on him."
"OK, the man says, but what do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies,"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how the hell he would ever do it, he comes across an ad for a "Guaranteed Weight Loss Program." "Guaranteed like hell" he thought to himself; but desperate, he called them & subscribed to the 3 day/10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there is a knock at his door & when he answers it, there stands before him an athletic, beautiful 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes & a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "if you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing & puffing, he finally catches her & has his way with her.
After they are through, she leaves & he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next 2 days & the same thing happens. On the 4th day, he weighs himself & is delighted to find he has lost the 10 lbs as promised. He calls the company & orders from them their 5 day/20 lb. program.
As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door & there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes & a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's Out the door after her like a shot. This woman is in excellent shape & it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp & wheeze. She is by far the best he has ever had.
For the next 5 days, the same routine happens & much to his delight, On the 6th day he weighs himself & found he has lost another 20 lb., as promised.
He decides to go for broke & calls the company to order the 7 day/50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
He answers, "Yes .... I haven't felt this good in years!
The next day there's a knock at the door & when he opens it, he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes & a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you."
A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. Then one day he had finally saved up enough money, so he goes down to the dealer.
After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like the extra chrome protection added to his bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet.
The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine.
The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love.
She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after the dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Next, he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.
No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex.
No one says a word.
Just then, he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline.
And the father says, "OK dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
Hong Lee calls his boss and says "Hey Boss, I not come to work today. I berry sick. I got stomach ache, head ache and legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss tells Hong Lee, "You know Hong Lee, we are very busy,and really need you at work today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and then I go to work. Try that."
Two hours later, Hong Lee calls his boss again. "Hey Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Dear Mr. Abby: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me, what should I do?
Answer: Obviously, your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing -- your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you.If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Dear Mr. Abby: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him, what should I do?
Answer: Do it! Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby: My husband has too many nights out with the boys, what should I do?
Answer: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for aday or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby: My husband is uninterested in foreplay, what should I do?
Answer: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one, what should I do?
Answer: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
Bob was a late night bus driver. One night, as he ended his route, he noticed that everyone had gotten off of the bus, except for a nun. So, he said, "Ma'am, this is the last stop, you have to get off the bus."
The nun walked up to the front of the bus and told Bob, "I must confess. I take my vows of chastity first thing tomorrow morning, have never known a man, and desperately need to know what sex is like. Will you help me?"
To, which Bob replied, "No way! I'm a married man."
But the nun persisted, "Please, please. Nobody will ever know. Otherwise, you will be condemning me to a life of never knowing the pleasures of the flesh." And the nun started to cry.
This really got to Bob. So, he said, "There, there... Oh, all right. But nobody can ever know about this!"
The nun said, "Oh, THANK YOU! Now, there are three conditions that you must promise to follow. First, you must never tell anyone what happens here, for the mere mention would shake the church to it's foundation with scandal. Second, I must leave all of my clothes on, because you must not gaze upon flesh, which belongs to the Lord. And third, you must make love to me doggie-style. This is because I cannot look you in the eyes during frenzied lovemaking. For the Lord sees what I see."
Bob agreed to all of these conditions and preformed the act. After they were finished, Bob said, "May I at least ask you your name?"
To which the nun replied, "My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a costume party."
The New York mafia hires a deaf-mute man to collect its protection money, figuring he can't sing if he gets caught.
In his first week the collector picks up more than $50,000. The second week he stashes the money and tries to leave town, but the mafia guys catch him and use an interpreter to grill him.
"Ask him where the money is," says the don, and the interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The collector signs, "I don't know what you're talking about," and the interpreter says, "He don't know what you're talking about."
The don then pulls out a .38 and puts it in the deaf guy's ear. "Now ask him where the money is." The deaf man signs frantically, "It's in Central Park, in the third tree stump on the left from the West 81st Street entrance."
The interpreter says, "He says he still don't know what you're talking about, and that you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
The story behind the letter below is that there is an "intellectual prankster' in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "9321 1 -D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post ... Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice reassuring him: "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with a patient, and you won't be the last."
Invariably, however, the other voice would snap him back to reality: "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once.
Bob Joins A Nudist Colony Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies "No, what do you mean." She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?". Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!!!
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He first asks the nun Sister Karen, "Have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth, "Have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun is a little reluctant but replyies, "Well, I once fondled and stroked one..."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says, "Sister! sister, what seems to be the rush?"
The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm Gan come from lefting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and begins chatting with the bartender. The bartender having learned to not ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar avoids talking about the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom, leaving the bartender alone with the ducks sitting on the bar.
After an awkward silence, the bartender decides to try to make some conversation. So he asks one of the ducks "What's your name?". "Huey", said the first duck. To which the bartender replys, "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day". "Oh, that's nice.", says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?". "Dewey" came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day, I would do the same again".
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".
"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day".
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all", she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Rachael replied, . . . "That's me before the surgery."
One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy.
The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.
When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy. He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself.
The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house.
The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals.
The farmer was outraged. "Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time."
Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you?" "I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."
Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "it is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.
So, the man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. He loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company. Having no mate, he used suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. Transfixed, she watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. Racked with pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
Tommy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
Astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued...
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Three guys, Father, Son and Grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, a gorgeous looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them.
The guys, all stunned by her beauty, have no problem with this. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do; cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game".
The guys agree and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are strategically focused on her as her skirt rides up when she bends over to tee up the ball. She then proceeds to knock the ball right up the middle for about 275 yards. She continues to play a perfect round and pars every hole. They get to the 18th green and she has a 12-foot "bender' putt for par.
She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not coaching me on my game. I've never shot par before and I really want to make this putt, so I'm going to ask each of you for your advice. Whoever gives me the advice that helps me sink this putt will get oral sex from me that he will NEVER forget.
The kid walks over, eyes the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt 6 inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left and fall right into the cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the kid, you need to aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left and drop right in."
The Grandpa looks at both of them, walks over and picks up the ball, dropping it into the cup. He unzips his pants and says "That's a Gimme!"
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms -- the girls didn't show up."
The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", but now you can handle this situation.
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. 0. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr.Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed down the long corridors. Because she and her fellow residents are one sandwich short of a picnic, they all tolerate each other, some of the males actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding along one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license to drive that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!" Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him.
William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am".
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"